Getting Older and Thinking About The Future

Yesterday was not a good day for me. In the midst of dealing with people who don't value friendships, I started thinking about my future (again) and the things I feel that I haven't accomplished. I had a good cry for about an hour and then I buried myself in doing some work. I despise dealing with negative energy, but it was just beyond my control.

I'm approaching a milestone birthday this fall and everything that I didn't get to experience as a child, as a teenager, or as a young adult, well, it all came to mind last night. I'll give you an example: I never attended any of the school dances nor my two proms. It's not that I had any desire to attend them, but no guy ever asked me to go. In addition, I was really shy back then, but I didn't have any problem talking to others once I got to know them better.

Now that I'm getting older, I have a better perspective of life (I know I might sound like a broken record here, but I don't care) and I know that everything happens for a reason. I've found that you have to rely on your faith and the fact that God has everything planned out for you. In the past, I've made intentions that if I'm not meant to be in a relationship then I'll have to (learn to) accept it. I've also made intentions of wanting a successful career/employment, which means that I haven't really dedicated myself nor have I focused on anything else that I want in my life. There are also times when I think to myself that I'm better off alone or independent because then I won't have to deal with someone else's baggage (i.e. crap). Then I start over-analyzing why I'm not good enough for someone...then only later to start telling myself that that other person will have to accept me for me.

The relationship versus non-relationship talk usually occurs whenever one particular female cousin of mine from So Cal (who's two years older than me, who hasn't had much luck with men either...only up until about a year ago) asks or when one of my brother's good friends (i.e. a woman about a year older than me) interrogates me. Seriously, mind your own business! If I want to tell you, I will. Basically, whenever a question like this arises, I tell them the truth and move on. Sometimes what I really want to tell them is that I'm NOT desperate and that I will NOT settle for anyone or anything!

There are still many things I'd like to experience in life, like traveling more, writing a book, etc. I've been accustomed to not having much in my life and I know some of these things might have to wait a little while longer, but I'm patient person. I will leave everything in God's hands.